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Pokémon Red and Blue were released in 1996. 8 years later, they remade them into FireRed and- LEAFGREEN!? They couldn’t call it WaterBlue because water isn’t blue! I picked FireRed, because fact, In a fight, a pile of leaves would be destroyed by a pile of fires. The game begins with Professor Oak introducing us to the world of Pokémon. Completely unnecessary in 2016. Even undiscovered tribes on New Guinea were playing Pokémon GO.
Name, we need a cool name. What’s the name of the hero in the movie that by now is mostly known as a theme song. Angel Eyes. Can’t call an 11 year old girl Angel Eyes. It’s very inappropriate!
I’ll just call her THE BAD. Name your rival. I can’t name him THE GOOD, because… Heh, that’s a girl’s name. Desperate times, desperate measures. We start in a room. And just got back from the insane asylum.
Why do I assume that ? Because who places the TV in the middle of the room like that Our mom tells us that all girls dream of traveling. Wink, wink. Th..thanks mom. If you want us to leave, just say so.
Outside, Professor Oak stops us, and says, if you got out there, you’re gonna get your face ripped off by purple rats. I would give you guns, but I feel like you are old enough for your own pokemans. He lets us pick between the 3 pokeballs. First ball contains… uh, ‘is empty. The second ball has the water type.
It’s a mix between a turtle and a squirrel. So no, thanks! Now a tortoise and a badger!
That’s a real f**king Pokémon! That leaves me with the one that can’t be let indoors. because his tail will set off every sprinkler system.
Also fill up these Pokémon encyclopedias for me. Remember, it’s not child labour, because [I’m] not paying you. You fill the PokéDexes by catching Pokémon. Simply step on the grass. Then a Pokémon, uhh ohh…. This is awkward… Well now we know who THE UGLY is, eh?
The goal of Pokémon Red was simple. Beat the gym leaders. Beat the Pokémon league. Get stuck a lot because you don’t speak English yet.
In FireRed, they have added extra islands, that are terrible. The first gym leader is Brock. He was a main character in the cartoon.
Hanged around with kids and was obsessed with Pokémon intercourse. Interesting fella. His gym is a rock type gym. In the series, Ash beats him by setting off the sprinkler system. Remember what I said? So that was a freebie.
We gained access to Mt. Moon. And here for the first time, we encounter Team Rocket. Team Rocket in the cartoon were mostly these two immortal beings. And a cat that could speak Swedish. Yes I know, in Japan, he spoke Japanese.
In France, he spoke French. In Mexico, he spoke Mexiconian. But Team Rocket in the game kidnapped Pokémon. I guess we all kidnap Pokémon and take them away from their families.
But Team Rocket also has a uniform. That makes them way worse. They don’t scare me though, In Ruby we fought environmental terrorists.
Here, we take down dognappers. I feel that mass extinction is a much bigger threat than Cruella de Vil. In the cave, they aren’t even doing anything illegal. They are just trying to extract a fossil.
But we stopped them anyway, and takes the fossils for ourselves, making our character, an anti-hero. Leave the cave, and reach Cerulean City, and the Cerulean City Gym. Led by Misty. She has water types, and was the main character, so she should be undefeatable. But then I remembered, an even more main character, Pika pika, mothafucka! Hire a better agent.
Everyone in the town is talking about a weirdo named Bill. Who lives to the north. We meet up with him, and he tells us he’s been turned into a clefairy. Bill, it’s obviously a fursuit. No reason to lie mate, be yourself.
He gives us tickets to a cruise in Vermilion. So that we will leave his house. But the road to Vermilion is blocked by an evil building. The only cop in the country tells up that this house has been robbed. And the culprit is standing… THERE.
So he’s either pretty brave or very stupid. Definitely stupid. Welcome to Vermilion.
And there’s the ship. The cruise is very different from the real world. Where a cruise means gambling, and drunk fifty year olds hitting on you. On this boat, people don’t lock their cabin doors. So someone can steal their stuff. Oh no not this guy He needs to realise that we are not rivals.
Do you think the US armed forces’ main rival is Iceland ? We go to the top of the ship, and we find a seasick captain. After being nice to him, he teaches our pokemon how to cut down trees. Captain, if you don’t teach everyone you meet THIS maybe we can save the rainforest.
We can now cut down the tree blocking the city gym. So let’s light it on fire.. Yeah…uh oh.. Didn’t beat the gym But on a charred corpse, I found the badge. So I won. On my way to the next gym, Harmonica finally evolved into some sort of dragon type pokemon ?! We come across a cave called rock tunnel, so a cave.. As you can see, this cave is quite dark.
You can get light, but that’s cheating. 20 hours later, We made it to Lavender Town. Famous for not having any lavender. There’s a pokemon graveyard here, Oh you are challenging me on a grave?
Clint. Get your shit together. Walk through an underground tunnel. Cell-la don City!
And there’s the next gym! So let’s… go gambling! Who gives a flying f**k about the Pokémon League when you’re a millionaire? If you think it’s weird to allow an 11-year-old into a casino, Remember, the drinking age in Pokémon is 9. And they have infants in the military. Money, money, money!
And I’m bankrupt. Not proud of the following moment, but I went berserk. And security showed up. I crushed him. And he fled down to the basement. I have no reason to go into the basement of a casino.
Unless, I am finally becoming George Clooney! Time to get my money back! Gosh, damn it! It’s just an underground base for Team Rocket.
I think the security system would be better if I didn’t have a bird’s eye view. Then we are in an elevator and get to meet Giovanni. Leader of Team Rocket. Did you just destroy my hideout for no reason? I mean, I am a gangster but you are an arsehole! Destroy him, leave, time to fight the gym!
It’s a grass gym, so it’s pretty one-sided. So while I’m in there, let’s talk about how amazing Digimon is. So there’s this episode, they are like in a city, and there’s a bunch of famous buildings. Then a robot dinosaur blows up a building.
And then these cocks, gave the Nobel Prize to Dylan. Life is not fair! That was the most epic pokemon fight ever.
Next gym is in Saffron City. And it’s a psychic gym. What wait. So when I say psychward, people complain and say “it’s called the mental health hospital KILLIAN.” But she’s allowed to call her gym Psychic. How can someone be so insensitive!?
TO HELL WITH YOU! I am skipping your gym. So we take the cycling road down to Fuchsia City. Here they have a poison type gym. But none of the trainers have any poison Pokémon.
I think this might not even be a real gym. It’s just a way to scam kids. In Fuchsia City, you can also find the Pokémon Safari.
that encourage visitors to throw rocks at their Pokémon. Would be a shame if someone contacted every single Pokémon rights group. To buy my silence, they give me the Surf ability. I can now travel on water.
To get to the next gym, we have to walk through this ice cave. All Pokémon caves are either annoying or soul-crushing. But this one, this one is both. It is also the home of the legendary ice bird, Someone told me that the legendary birds’ name are 1 2 3 in spanish. Well I am sorry, Spain, but if you call 1 Articuno, You need to update your language.
We made it to Cinnabar Island. But its fire gym is locked. Let’s explore this crumbling mansion, filled with burglars, probably safe for an 11 year old. In the basement, we find the key to the gym.
If my main Pokémon is a fire Pokémon, how can I beat a fire gym? Oh right, I forgot, The main weakness of fire, is even more fire. Then the Pokémon ferry shows up, and takes us to the islands. But it’s a complete waste of time.
So we leave. TIME TO TAKE ON THE POKÉMON LEAGUE! Urh right… I didn’t get the Saffron City Gym, Oh god I am gonna have to meet this guy again when I return. This is so embarrassing.
In Saffron City, Team Rocket has taken over a skyscraper. And apparently, SWAT has decided to outsource this job to an 11 year old. Wait, I am in a corporate skyscraper full of hostages, that is taken over by a crime group that is definitely German. Okay, last part might not be true, But from now on, I am the bad McClane. Yippee ki-yay, Mr. Falcon!
Oh no, not this douche again! I am 20 levels above you. We find DON GIOVANNI. He’s like 3 times my size, and could probably knock me out in 1 hit; but he challenges me to a Pokémon duel.
Like challenging a stingray to swimming instead of chess. I rescue the CEO. Because I am rich, I can give you anything. I want 50 million Pokémon money.
and he gives me a master ball, that cheap bastard. Last time I get a master ball, I apparently used it wrongly and some comments got annoyed with me. Don’t want to make the same mistake again so I toss it. Leave the building. Time to face the mental health gym.
No, it’s not right. I am going to help the patients. What would Jack Nicholson do? And now I have the badge for some reason. We are not done yet. There is a secret gym that has been locked this entire time.
Who could the gym leader be? It’s DON GIOVANNI! What a twist! Mate, I completely destroyed your entire criminal empire, because they were in my vicinity.
Do you really want to battle me ? No, didn’t think so. Finally, now we can pick between doing 2 things. Either challenge the Pokémon League, or you can try and use your Pokémon to reclaim the holy land.
I pick the pokemon league because it’s closest. First, travel to victory road. I am back now, hehe… Oh god kill me. And there’s a cave. I think GameFreak said they put this cave here because they were worried that players were having too much fun. Then, finally the Pokémon league.
In my last video, I overtrained. This time, I will challenge the Pokémon League right away. The first master is an ice trainer. And I lost. I lostttt… All of my Pokémon left, because they were embarrassed. Even the Pokémons in my PC left.
No, wait… A Bulbasaur!? Named… Luke Skywalker. Of course it is. Well little buddy you are A New Hope.
The Pokémon League was a challenge, but finally… I made it to my rival. We did it! Yayyyy! Professor Oak shows up and verbally abuses his grandson.
Post game, you can do quests on the islands. But that’s a massive waste of time. And then you can catch the legendary Mewtwo. And now as I have him, I can finally delete this guy.
And that’s the Kilian Experience.